That will be our little girl’s birthday. I’m scheduled for a c-section that morning – unless of course she decides to arrive before that. We’ve known the date for a while now and I’ve been pretty mum about it. Mainly because I’ve had a really hard time deciding what to do, what I think would be best, etc. I really wanted to have a vbac (vaginal birth after caesarean) but at the same time I really don’t want to go through what I went through with Emmett again.
My labor and delivery with Emmett was a difficult one. Labor was about 16 hours and I progressed pretty normally and to me that was the most normal part of the entire experience. The pain was horrendous, (anyone who ever says “you forget how painful it was!” Is completely full of garbage… or they had an epidural from the start, or labored for 4 minutes and sneezed their baby out) most of those 16 hours was drug free. I think I opted for something or other when I was 14 hours in to take the edge off a bit but it definitely didn’t take the pain away.
Then I pushed for two and a half hours and no Emmett. He had descended into the birth canal but got stuck. They told me they were going to give me an epidural and try a forceps delivery. I was NOT happy about that. I didn’t want an epidural, I didn’t want forceps, but I was so beside myself with pain due to the back labor because of the position he was in (found out all about back labor the hard way, let me tell you) and it just all happened so quickly. Forceps didn’t work. He was stuck. They basically had to shove him back up and do a c-section. Something else I didn’t want but what can you do, he was stuck and needed to come out.
He was 8lb 9oz when he was born, so he was a good size. Not overly huge, but I guess my small frame just wouldn’t cooperate with his size. Which, you know, makes me feel shitty and inadequate. It sucks to feel like you’re incapable of doing something your body is supposed to know what to do. Labor and delivery took about 20 hours before all was said and done. The forceps cut Emmett’s face up, which really added insult to injury. His left eye was cut on the corner which made it swollen shut, he had two cuts on both sides of his jaw and on top of his head. Of course how this all played out made us wonder if this is what caused the seizures to start. But knowing what we finally know now, it’s highly unlikely. We’ll never know what caused the pvl which resulted in the seizures, visual impairment, developmental delays, etc etc.
So, you see, I really don’t want to go through nearly a full day of laboring only to have a c-section in the end again and feel even more disconnected from the experience. This baby is apparently going to be a good size like Emmett was, so it makes me really hesitant to try for a vbac. I did get the doctor I wanted for the c-section, so that makes me feel a lot better about the whole thing. But now if I go early, there’s no way of knowing what doctor will be on call. And it really better not be the doctor that delivered Emmett. I have lots of complaints about that one but I definitely don’t need to hear, “No offense, but you look like shit” again while I’m in recovery. Yeah, she said that. If I hadn’t have been so busted up I would have knocked her on her ass. I really didn’t need to hear that after all I had just been through.
I hear that a scheduled c-section is much easier since you’re more rested and recovery is also a lot easier the second time around. So here’s hoping for a better experience this time. Recovery with Emmett was really rough and I think that was mainly due to not being able to actually rest. He started having seizures when he was just a day and a half old and was in the NICU for a week while a battery of tests were being run on him. I think I can say that was the most emotionally exhausting time of my life. I was trying to wrap my mind around being a new mother, learning how to breastfeed while he was hooked up to tons of wires and monitors, crying constantly about what was happening to him and why we weren’t getting any answers, in and out of doctors offices from the get-go, it was just never ending. So recovery for me took a lot longer because I basically had no time to recover and rest. I just want to be able to come home and enjoy the newborn phase.
But, I really desperately wanted to have the experience of seeing the baby being born and placed directly on me. It makes me sad I’ll most likely never experience that. I talked to my doctor about it and there’s a mirror they can place in the operating room so I can see her pull the baby out. Wiith Emmett I saw nothing. I was so out of it and only saw his foot when they swung him around the curtain for me to see before they whisked him away to clean him. They did place him on me shortly after to hold while they started to do their thing – put me back together and what not. But again, I was just so out of it. I remember nothing after they brought us to our room that night. I hate not remembering my first night with Emmett, because that was the only night he was in our hospital room until he was brought to the NICU.
This time around, we are going to hold off on visitors until we’re ready. We want to have time to be a family and get photos. We don’t even have a photo of the three of us together after Emmett was born! None with me and Emmett, or Ryan with Emmett. I’m so sad about that. Ryan was busy taking photos of Emmett with all the family members that had been waiting in the waiting room all day while my surgery was being finished up and everything was just a blur. All I remember is that Ryan looked really cute wearing the scrubs and I am determined to get a photo of him this time around holding our baby girl while wearing those scrubs!
So I guess we’ll see what happens. If I happen to go into labor early and things progress quickly, we’ll see what the doctors think and how I’m feeling about it. Maybe she’ll just want to torpedo her way out and I’ll get my vbac in that case! I’m 37 weeks right now, full term, and have been having braxton hicks like crazy. They sometimes last for hours! The doctor said it could be that she’s getting ready to come early or that my uterus is just maxed out and protesting. I feel pretty maxed out, that’s for sure.
Well, there you have it. An official birth date. One that she may not get to pick herself but one that will be hers regardless and just as special. I can’t wait to see her face and see if she will look how Emmett did when I first saw him. Will she be blonde? Brunette? Blue eyes? Brown eyes? Hazel eyes? Thankfully I vividly remember seeing Emmett for the first time. I basically yelled, “HE’S SO CUUUUTE! ….AGGH, HE HAS MY NOSE.” As much as I hate my nose, I think it suits him nicely. 🙂
And here’s the baby belly full term at 37 weeks! This shirt has been with me since the start! I actually took my first belly shot wearing it. It’s pretty much been my ‘go to’ shirt and the most comfiest.
T-minus 15 days until the WildMan will officially be a big brother!